Secrets

I have been struggling with writing a blog since last week. I wanted to update and write about SA and all the struggles with him and trying to get him placed in a longer term program. He turns 18 in 8 ½ months. But one of my children has taken exception to me writing about the family. I guess it is embarrassing to have our family secrets revealed to the world. I hate secrets. Secrets can only hurt you when they are kept secret. That is how my mom lived her whole life. Shrouded by a veil of secrets. She could never relax for fear someone would see that her life wasn’t perfect and then they would know. I played my part in the family drama. I was the “perfect” child. As long as I was “perfect” she could keep up appearances. Looking back I think – what a joke. My whole life growing up was pretend. Mom finally gave up her secrets when she was 90 and had a bit of dementia. That is when I found out about all the sexual abuse she endured as a child and young lady. Figured out that is why she could never be there for me when I was abused – she would have needed to deal with her own abuse at the same time and she just couldn’t.

Well, I refuse to live a fantasy “happy” life. Sometimes life sucks and parenting kids with RAD, ODD, CD, BP, FASD and a host of other letters is extremely challenging. But if I hide it all, how can it help others. Sometimes it is enough to know you aren’t the only one struggling or being oppressed by the “system”. I will no longer live in the lonely, isolated world of secrets.