Photography

I mentioned before that my passion is to travel, take pictures and write a book. OK – I still desire to do all those but have realized that my biggest passion is to be a photographer. I have loved taking pictures since I first got a camera back in ’62. I was always the one toting a camera along on adventures with my friends, picnics, school functions, etc. I was historian for numerous things, basically I just loved taking pictures. I have wanted to take classes in photography since the early ‘70s. It's ALWAYS been a passion. Tho I have always worried that if I tried to become a photographer and take pixs of people besides my family, that it would lose the “fun” aspect. I would have to please other people besides just myself. I don’t ever want to lose the joy of taking pixs. It is one thing that truly causes me pleasure. It is the one thing that gets me excited to get up and out of bed. The days I am taking pixs are my “happy” days. Sooooo, I have decided that when I grow up I want to be a photographer. It feels good to narrow down my dream and know where I want to head. I wrote a blog a while back about my love of photography. You can read it here if you would like.

This Tuesday I take my 1st Photoshop class at TCTC. I am VERY excited. I took a digital photography class back in Spring of ’08 and had planned to take the Photoshop one in the Fall, but life happens. This is the next step in fulfilling my dream. I will keep you posted

Continuing SA Saga

I have met with SA 3 times for family sessions since I last posted about him. He is still down in Tulsa in a Residential Treatment facility. Hopefully, he will stay in a facility until he turns 18 or longer. The 1st week hubby and I went down, his therapist decided she couldn’t keep us safe, so we only talked to him by phone. He was very angry so I was glad he wasn’t in the room. She suggested I find a longer term residential placement and even get a CINS (Child in Need of Supervision) court order if I needed to. She felt it was hazardous to my well being for him to ever come home.

Week 2, we went down and he had a new therapist. Therapist #1 was afraid of him. He had threatened her one too many times. We now had a larger male therapist. He informed us of SA’s diagnosis’s, Schizoaffective Disorder, RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), Antisocial Personality Trait (can’t have the full blown disorder until 18), and Narcissistic Personality Trait. These are NOT happy things to have. Actually pretty scary. Antisocial Personality is the old Sociopath or Psychopath. He told us this was the combo of Serial Killers, not that SA would do that but he could. We did meet with SA, but had a burly guy outside the door, just in case. SA had been threatened with isolation if he acted up so he was fairly docile. It appeared to be a good session. It even seemed like SA listened and interacted.

This week I went down alone. Hubby couldn’t make it. I was pretty fearful, but go I must. Had the male therapist again. He is good, I am glad SA has him. SA was in a bad mood and mad at his therapist. He wouldn’t interact. Kept banging things on the chair and wouldn’t look up. Kept his hands over his face most of the time and refused to talk. He finally got fed up and walked out. I can handle walking out. That is a far better scenario than throwing chairs at me or attacking me. I hate being afraid of him, but at 6’4” he could do serious bodily damage to me and I have a strong desire to survive.

I am trying to find him a longer term placement. Where he is at maxes out at 4 months. Where he was the last 2 times – they can stay for years, if necessary. Unfortunately, they won’t take him back. Too many new issues. I do have him on a waiting list for a facility down in Oklahoma City. They have a CD (Conduct Disorder) program. He might be a bit beyond CD but it is at least something. Of course, SA says he doesn’t want to go because it is lock down and the boys and girls are separated. I just need to call and make sure that he is still on the waiting list and that they can take him soon. I will not relax until he is in a longer term placement. I live in fear of some yokel down in OKC making minimum wage deciding, “He hasn’t threatened to kill his mom in 3 week, we should send him home.” That is what happened last time. I just can’t do that again. Bottom line I just can’t live with him ever again.

God Will Make a Way

Sometimes in the midst of life I need to be reminded that God is in Control. This is a song I first heard at Community Bible Study a while back. It is where I live. I need to know that God will be making a way even when I don’t and can’t see it. All the struggles with my adopted boys has felt totally impossible to me. So, being reminded over and over again that God will work it out has helped. I sing it often now days with everything going on with SA and hubby’s work situation and lack of finances. GOD WILL MAKE A WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope you enjoy it too.



Words to the song by Don Moen:

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness, He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way

Timmy Jr Turns 4 1/2

Cake that his Daddy Timmy made.

Secrets

I have been struggling with writing a blog since last week. I wanted to update and write about SA and all the struggles with him and trying to get him placed in a longer term program. He turns 18 in 8 ½ months. But one of my children has taken exception to me writing about the family. I guess it is embarrassing to have our family secrets revealed to the world. I hate secrets. Secrets can only hurt you when they are kept secret. That is how my mom lived her whole life. Shrouded by a veil of secrets. She could never relax for fear someone would see that her life wasn’t perfect and then they would know. I played my part in the family drama. I was the “perfect” child. As long as I was “perfect” she could keep up appearances. Looking back I think – what a joke. My whole life growing up was pretend. Mom finally gave up her secrets when she was 90 and had a bit of dementia. That is when I found out about all the sexual abuse she endured as a child and young lady. Figured out that is why she could never be there for me when I was abused – she would have needed to deal with her own abuse at the same time and she just couldn’t.

Well, I refuse to live a fantasy “happy” life. Sometimes life sucks and parenting kids with RAD, ODD, CD, BP, FASD and a host of other letters is extremely challenging. But if I hide it all, how can it help others. Sometimes it is enough to know you aren’t the only one struggling or being oppressed by the “system”. I will no longer live in the lonely, isolated world of secrets.

Chili Relleno Casserole

This is a casserole I made up when my family got to large to make individual chili rellenos for dinner. Worked good and I have made it ever since. Good for potlucks, too.


5 large eggs
½ lb jack cheese, grated
2 – 4oz cans diced green chilies
½ c flour
½ c milk

Preheat oven 350. Spray shallow 2 qt casserole with non stick cooking spray. Separate eggs. Beat whites, until stiff. Blend yolks, milk & flour. Stir in diced chilies and grated cheese. Fold yolk mixture into whites. Pour in casserole. Bake 35-40 minutes or until top is golden brown and knife inserted in center comes out clean.
Serves 6

52 Pieces of Me - Part 10

I have always loved hanging clothes on a line. I remember helping my mom back in the day. And then, when Jeff was little I hung all his diapers and such. We simply didn’t have a dryer. A couple months ago our dryer broke and I started hanging the clothes on our line. Basically just to get the laundry done. I realized I am really enjoying it. Our dryer is fixed now but I am still hanging them out. OK – they aren’t as soft and cozy but I love the way they smell and how much I can save by hanging them out. My plan at the moment is to hang them out until the weather turns and it is simply too cold or wet to do it any longer. I am sure I would have never returned to this if I still had 7 kids at home. There would have been way too much toting and carrying to deal with. But with just 3 of us at home, it is totally doable. So now you know my retro quirk.

Have a good one.

Desire to feel Safe

I have decided to redo SA’s room. Tear up the carpet, which is gross. Remove the wall paper, put down a fake wood floor and paint. Maybe by redoing it I will start to wrap my brain around the concept that I am safe and he isn’t coming home. Tho until I find a long term (he turns 18 in 9 months) placement, I will continue to have the fear in the back of my mind that someone sitting at a desk down in Oklahoma City, making minimum wage, will make the bizarre decision once again to send him home. Last time it was “he hasn’t threatened to kill his mom in 3 weeks; it is time to send him home.” So, am I the only person that doesn’t make sense to? At the moment he is still VERY verbal that he wants to kill both Patty and myself. I think the hospital got a good look at his violent nature the other night. He went into a rage, threw chairs, kicked his shoes so hard they were embedded in the ceiling, and had to be placed in locked isolation. Tho before they got him in there, he preceded to tell the staff exactly what he planned to do to them when he got out. They always seem to believe me a tad bit better after they get a up close and personal demonstration of his violent rages. I go to family therapy tomorrow, should be interesting. Dennis is going with me. I feel safer that way.

Pineapple Delight

This is another of my mom’s favorites. It was one of my favorites as well. It is VERY rich, a little goes a long way. ENJOY!!!

10 - 12 oz vanilla wafers or graham crackers
½ lb margarine
1 lb powdered sugar
1/3 c. pineapple or apple sauce
1 large can crushed pineapple, well drained
1 pint whipped cream, whipped
1 tsp vanilla

Crush wafers or graham crackers. Place ½ on bottom of the 9 x 13 pan. Make batter by beating softened butter, slowly adding powdered sugar. Beat well. Add pineapple sauce. Add flavoring. Spread over wafers in the pan. Next, spread well drained pineapple. Next, spread the whipped cream (no sugar added). Sprinkle remaining crushed wafers on top. Allow to set in refrigerator at least 3 – 4 hours. Can easily remain several days. Serves 12 – 16.

52 Pieces of Me - Part 9

One of the challenging parts of being adopted is not knowing your family history. In a lot of ways your history starts with you. Many times I have been to a new Dr and I have to tell them that if I don’t have it then I have no clue about anyone else ever having it. Do I have a family history of heart problems, cancer or diabetes? I have no clue. Another thing that is hard is not knowing your heritage. Growing up I always thought I was French and Indian. I have no idea why I started saying that. Maybe my parents were speculating by my looks. I know my dad called me Pocahontas all the time so I think maybe I got the Indian part from that. Finally in the mid 90’s I met my birth mom and found out I am ½ Norwegian as she is 100% - parents came from Norway – Norwegian. As for the other ½ - well, I guess I will just never know since she didn’t know my dad. Long story for another post – maybe. But at least I am finally grounded with ½ a heritage.

My dad was into tracing the family roots. I supported him in that endeavor but I just couldn’t get real excited about it. I had no genetic ties to these people he was finding. Nice people, I am sure, just not biologically related to me. Maybe someday I will trace my actual family roots. Now that should be both a challenge and interesting.

Until next time, Adios.