I have been struggling lately on what to write. I have kept journals all my life, I love to write. But then no one sees a journal. It feels safe to express myself. But with all that is going on in my life right now – I would love to put it on my blog. But what if someone gets upset and I end up making things worse. I know there is a balance. Just not sure where the line is.
Our youngest is back in the hospital. He has been home from the hospital for 2 ½ long months. He went in last weekend. The week before he was admitted, he blew up in family counseling and went storming out almost breaking the door at the Mental Health Dept. SA’s therapist decided, after talking to him, that neither his sister nor I was safe around him and that we should give him some time to chill out. He willingly went to the local Shelter to have some time to regroup. OK – maybe not totally willing once he found out they have rules and regulations there. But he went. After a couple days there he wrote a letter to the director of the shelter. Basically the letter is a homicide/suicide letter. The premise of the letter was that he would kill me, his mom, given the chance but that he would kill himself first to keep from killing me and then he would come back blessed. He is a seriously mentally ill child.
Needless to say, his therapist and the shelter director agreed that he need to be placed inpatient ASAP. In the midst of all this we found a lot of hard core pornographic magazines in his room, a child porn video on his computer, LOTS of stolen items in his room and 2 more notes about killing himself. It is always fun, NOT, to have to have a sheriff (we live in the country) come to you house about the child porn. And to try once again to figure out who all the stolen items belong to. Still have no clue on lots of them. Most of the clothes belong to his sister tho. Go figure – she is size 7 – 9 and he is 6’4” 215+ #s. Not quite a good fit.
After 2 days of calling places to find an acute bed for him in a psy hospital, I was finally able to find one in Tulsa. It must be a bad time of year – all the beds are full.
We took him down there. He didn’t want to go but we asked the shelter staff to call the police, so he decided to cooperate. I drove in a car behind, just in case I needed to call for help. We did not have the “infamous letter” to take with us since it was the weekend and both copies were locked in offices that could not be accessed. SA was quick to say that the letter was something WE just made up. Tho during intake at the hospital he insisted he was NOT suicidal but that he WAS homicidal. He wasn’t hesitant to say he had tried to kill me in the past. He told numerous people that he was homicidal. He almost seemed proud of the fact. The whole thing unnerved me. I was quite relieved when they admitted him and I felt – for the first time in 2 1/2 months – safe. I don’t have to carry my pepper spray around – yeah!!
It is sad when you love someone so much that you would do just about anything to help them but realize that sometimes love just isn’t enough.
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