Psalm 46:10

God has been speaking to me lately. The verse He has been giving me over and over is Psalm 46:10 – “Cease striving and know that I am God.” You see I have a tendency to try to figure everything out. I am constantly striving and strategizing and I am weary from it. I need to relax and trust that God is totally in control and He doesn’t need my help. The illustration I have always used for this concept is a mom in the kitchen making cookies. The kids want to help and are all over the place putting ingredients in and wanting to take over, spoons here, a scraper there – you get the picture. The cookies don’t quite taste like mom’s would have tasted AND it would have taken her a fraction of the time. I often feel that is the way God feels when I am in the midst of everything trying to help Him out. What He wants is for me to TRUST Him and relax, and keep my fingers out of the cookie bowl. I don’t know how many hundreds of times a day I have had to say that verse recently. It reminds me to let go. I don’t have to be the one to figure out the future. God already knows it. Things always seem to work out better when I am not striving. God knows when our house will sell. He knows what will happen with SA and his issues. Jobs will be acquired and finances will work out. It is so much better when I am relaxing and trusting God.

Where does a Mother go to Resign?

You would think I would have learned by now. Obviously I haven’t. SA’s antics still catch me off guard. Yesterday, got a credit card bill – hmmmmmmm there was a charge I had no clue about. Started looking for my card, missing from my wallet. Yep, stole my card and ran up charges. Arghhhhhhh When I asked him about it he becomes irate “Why do you always blame me?” “X probably did it.” Right, I don’t know, it might be because of all the stolen stuff I find in your room every time I check. Or maybe it’s because you have a tendency to steal anything that isn’t behind lock and key or cemented down. Sometimes I just get so fed up.

No one warned me of the stress level involved with adopting kids with serious issues. 20 years of daily stress has taken its toll. I think maybe I have finally reached my limit. Oops, that’s right mother’s can’t resign. Shucks!!!!!!!!!!!

Eliana Turns 6 1/2

Yes, we celebrate 1/2 birthdays. More reason to celebrate!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyleigh's 1st time in our Pool

Kyleigh and Holly enjoying the pool.

The Day I Ceased Being a Victim

I remember sitting in church a few years ago thinking that I am the person I am today because of all the events in my life. I am a compilation of all that I have been through. If I took any one thing away it would change who I am today. OK, I have to admit they weren’t all fun or nice thing. But everything from being adopted as a baby, being sexually abused as a child to winning Miss Mission Beach and passing the CPA exam, have made me into ME. This was the moment I ceased being a victim. How can I view myself as a victim when God allowed all these things, good and bad, into my life? HE allowed them in my life so I could eventually minister and reach other people. God has a purpose for my life. I can either work HIS plan or run away and hide all the things I am embarrassed about.
I have had a tendency to close myself off to people. All my life I have had things to hide. Even now, with a son who wants to kill me. I have a tendency to hold people at arm’s length for fear they won’t understand and will blame me. I need to change this. I need to keep Jeremiah 29:11, my life verse, at the front of my thinking. “’For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” The choice is mine. I best choose wisely.

Continuing Saga

I was talking to SA the other night on the phone and something about him trying to kill me came up and he made the statement that he has tried numerous times. Don’t ya just love it? OK – my mind went a little weird. All I could think of was the couple of times in the last month or so that I had such bad stomach pains that I thought about going to the ER. Random knife in the stomach pain. No vomiting or such – just stabbing pain in the night. Was he trying to poison me – did he put something in my food or drink? I have no idea. Doubt if I could get an honest answer out of him, if I tried. He is a pathological liar. Truth doesn’t pass his lips unless it is self serving. I asked him if he had tried to poison me – he said “no”. He said he had broken into our room at night with a knife to kill me but wasn’t sure why he hadn’t. He said the next day he had knife cuts on his hand, so he knows it happened. OK – I really don’t think this happened. Tho it appears that in SA’s mind it did. I am more inclined to think he tried to poison me. But regardless, the whole thing has made me a bit freaky. This is a child I can never live with again. He has been thinking about killing me for over 2 years now and I am tired of the stress and fear.

I have no idea how this is going to play out. My plan at the moment is to get him into a long term psy facility when he is finished with his acute placement. I know there is a long term RAD (reactive attachment disorder) program in Tulsa and a long term program for sexual issues down in OKC. He will be 18 in 9 months and 7 days (but who is counting). I just know he can never live in my home again. I can NOT take that risk. It really is sad.

Thank Heaven for Inpatient Facilities

I have been struggling lately on what to write. I have kept journals all my life, I love to write. But then no one sees a journal. It feels safe to express myself. But with all that is going on in my life right now – I would love to put it on my blog. But what if someone gets upset and I end up making things worse. I know there is a balance. Just not sure where the line is.

Our youngest is back in the hospital. He has been home from the hospital for 2 ½ long months. He went in last weekend. The week before he was admitted, he blew up in family counseling and went storming out almost breaking the door at the Mental Health Dept. SA’s therapist decided, after talking to him, that neither his sister nor I was safe around him and that we should give him some time to chill out. He willingly went to the local Shelter to have some time to regroup. OK – maybe not totally willing once he found out they have rules and regulations there. But he went. After a couple days there he wrote a letter to the director of the shelter. Basically the letter is a homicide/suicide letter. The premise of the letter was that he would kill me, his mom, given the chance but that he would kill himself first to keep from killing me and then he would come back blessed. He is a seriously mentally ill child.

Needless to say, his therapist and the shelter director agreed that he need to be placed inpatient ASAP. In the midst of all this we found a lot of hard core pornographic magazines in his room, a child porn video on his computer, LOTS of stolen items in his room and 2 more notes about killing himself. It is always fun, NOT, to have to have a sheriff (we live in the country) come to you house about the child porn. And to try once again to figure out who all the stolen items belong to. Still have no clue on lots of them. Most of the clothes belong to his sister tho. Go figure – she is size 7 – 9 and he is 6’4” 215+ #s. Not quite a good fit.

After 2 days of calling places to find an acute bed for him in a psy hospital, I was finally able to find one in Tulsa. It must be a bad time of year – all the beds are full.

We took him down there. He didn’t want to go but we asked the shelter staff to call the police, so he decided to cooperate. I drove in a car behind, just in case I needed to call for help. We did not have the “infamous letter” to take with us since it was the weekend and both copies were locked in offices that could not be accessed. SA was quick to say that the letter was something WE just made up. Tho during intake at the hospital he insisted he was NOT suicidal but that he WAS homicidal. He wasn’t hesitant to say he had tried to kill me in the past. He told numerous people that he was homicidal. He almost seemed proud of the fact. The whole thing unnerved me. I was quite relieved when they admitted him and I felt – for the first time in 2 1/2 months – safe. I don’t have to carry my pepper spray around – yeah!!

It is sad when you love someone so much that you would do just about anything to help them but realize that sometimes love just isn’t enough.

52 Pieces of Me Part 8

Once again, last week, I was filling out paper work that involved my name. Once again, I am being asked if it was spelled wrong. I have had this issue all my life. No, my name is spelled right. It is spelled with an “a” not an “e”. There really is a reason behind my mom picking the spelling of my name. I have an older brother Gary. My mom wanted “ary” in both our names. Simple right? User-friendly, not so much. I don’t know how many times in school we would have a substitute and he/she would do the attendance and I would be Charly Hann. As in Charlie. Most formal documents have a note attached – do not correct name!!! I even remember signing up for a conference with my ex years ago. Bill & Charyl M – they thought we were 2 brothers and put us in a room with 2 other guys. Not so fun – trust me. Then a few years ago when I was on staff with System’s of Care I would go to court with our clients a few times a month. It got so that Judge DeLapp, one of our Judges would look up at me and say “”A – right?” That would be it and we would go on. So, just to set the record straight – I am Charyl with an “A”. Gotta love it!!!!!!!!

Granny Wilson's Cornbread

I have decided to start sharing favorite recipes once a week with you. I will give you a bit of the history of where I got the recipe and when I started making the particular dish. Hope you enjoy these and find some your family can love too.

Granny Wilson's Cornbread

This is a recipe I found in an old Navigator cookbook back in the late ‘70s. I have been making this to go with chili and such ever since. I have spoiled my family and traditional cornbread just isn’t sweet enough for them any longer. Hope you enjoy.

1 c. sugar
1 ¾ c. flour
1 c. cornmeal
1 T baking powder
1 ¾ c. milk
½ c. vegetable oil
2 eggs

Mix all ingredients and place in 9 x 13 oiled cake pan. Bake 375 for 30 minutes. Or 24 muffin cups for 15 minutes.

Fun at Woolaroc

Esther and I took the kids to Woolaroc last week. It was Esther, her cousin Maria, Eliana, Timmy Jr, Katrina, Kyleigh and I. We had fun even tho it got pretty warm and we took a wrong turn and ended up on a long over the hills and thru the woods walk. Kyleigh and Katrina took long 3 hour plus naps when we got home. They were exhausted.


The kids played hard at the kid park.





Beautiful view!!!!!!

My 60th Birthday

Can't believe I have turned 60. I feel like I am still in my 40's. Just seems wierd. I remember as a kid thinking anyone 60 was over the hill and close to death. Funny how a person's perspective changes as we grow older.



Timmy made the fantastic cake. He does such an awesome job. I loved it!!!!!!!!